How to help youth cope with grief
Helping Children Deal With Grief, Child Mind Institute
About Childhood Grief, National Alliance for Children’s Grief
Grief Talk Resource Guides, National Alliance for Children’s Grief
Grief and Children, American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
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At this age kids lack a real understanding of death and are generally unable to process the permanence of it. They are very present-oriented and don’t understand that death means “forever.” They may ask the same questions over and over again. Be patient, consistent and reassuring. A child who is grieving may have a series of brief but intense responses.
Possible expressions of grief: Regression to earlier behaviors like thumb-sucking and bedwetting, sleep problems, irritability, confusion.
How you can help: Provide honest, direct, brief answers to their questions and lots of reassurance and affection. A consistent routine is also helpful.
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Kids this age may still see death as reversible. They may draw inaccurate conclusions that they caused the death — something called “magical thinking.” They tend to ask a lot of concrete questions: “How did he die?” “What will happen to him now?”
Possible expressions of grief: Nightmares, regression to earlier behaviors, changes in sleeping and eating, violent play, attempting to take on the role of the person who died.
How you can help: Encourage expression of the child’s feelings through physical outlets as well as symbolic play (drawing and stories) and talking about the person who died.
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At this age kids’ thinking has matured and they are more logical. They may still want to see death as something that is reversible, but they are beginning to understand that it is final. School-age children tend to ask specific questions and have a desire for detail. They want to know what the “right” way to respond is, and are beginning to have the ability to mourn and to understand and recognize mourning in others.
Possible expressions of grief: Regression, withdrawal from friends, acting out, overwhelming concerns over their own body, thoughts about their own death.
How you can help: Encourage the expression of feelings no matter what they are. Explain options and allow for choices around funerals and memorial services. Don’t avoid talking about the death or answering questions.
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Teenagers are capable of abstract thought and have a much more “adult” concept of death.
Possible expressions of grief: Extreme sadness, denial, regression, risk-taking, preference for talking to peers and others outside of the family, depression, anger, acting out, even possible suicidal thoughts.
How you can help: Encourage them to talk — if not to you, then to friends, teachers or a therapist. Do not attempt to “make it all better” or dismiss their grief. Allow them to mourn. Be available but respect their need to grieve in their own way.
Taking care of yourself
While your first impulse may be to protect and comfort your children, it is crucial that you seek help for your own grief. If you are parenting or supporting a grieving child, one of the best ways to help is to ensure that you are taking care of yourself, too.
Find good sources of support. Research shows us that how well a child does after a death is linked to how well the adults in his life are doing. This doesn’t mean hiding your grief from your child. Rather, it means ensuring that you have people and activities in your life that provide comfort. If you need help or some time to take a break and clear your head, prioritize asking for it
advice for traumatic death such as suicide or overdose
A traumatic death is particularly hard to talk about, but children will be curious about how their loved one died and you should not avoid giving an explanation. Try to give children developmentally appropriate information without overwhelming them. As children get older you can begin to give more information.
If the loved one died by suicide, you might explain that she had a psychiatric disorder, which is a disease in the brain, and it caused her to die. For older children, do share more information if they ask for it, but avoid sharing troubling details. Assure children that their remaining caregivers are healthy and will take care of them.
